Learning Curves, New Turns

I've been thinking a lot about style lately.

For years I felt that improving meant adding more. More rendering, more colors, more details, more tiny corrections until every illustration became a collection of hundreds of little decisions. It was fun for a while, but somewhere along the road I started making things harder for myself than they needed to be.

Now I think the next step is the opposite.

I want fewer colors. Cleaner shapes. More confident lines. Less hesitation. I don't think I need to become more realistic anymore, I think I need to become more expressive. I want my drawings to communicate more with fewer elements, and I feel like stylization is probably the next mountain I have to climb.

Sometimes improving isn't about learning something new. Sometimes it's about learning what you can safely leave behind.

Recent Progress

I've also been designing something that I'm not quite ready to talk about. I've mentioned tiny pieces of it before, but this project is much bigger than anything I've attempted. It's finally starting to materialize after spending months existing only as notes, folders, references and scattered ideas.

It is moving very slowly. But it is moving. That alone makes me happy.

The July fanart poll is finally online, and June's Patreon rewards have been published as well. Keeping those monthly routines has been surprisingly satisfying. It makes everything feel a little more organized, almost like watching small bricks slowly become a house.

Lately I've also been opening very old CSP files. Some of them... are terrible. Not terrible in an embarrassing way, but in the honest way every old drawing eventually becomes. They remind me of everything I didn't know back then, and somehow that makes me appreciate them more. I think I'll redraw a few of those pieces instead of pretending they never existed.

I was considering joining ArtFight again this year. I'm still not sure. Part of me misses the event,tha one who enjoys drawing for other people, but I'm not very popular there. Maybe I'll decide at the last minute like I usually do.

Another thing changed recently. I finally deleted my Discord account.

It wasn't an impulsive decision. There were simply too many bad memories attached to it. Too many failed attempts at socializing. Too much harassment. Too many moments that left me feeling worse than when I first logged in.

There are people I genuinely appreciated there, and maybe I'll miss them a little. But the truth is... we barely spoke anymore. Sometimes you realize you've been keeping a door open to a place you've already left. I don't regret closing it.

Overall, though, I think this has been a good year. Not because everything has gone well (it definitely hasn't) but because I finally feel like I'm walking toward something instead of simply reacting to life. There are still so many things I want to learn. So many stories I want to tell. And for the first time in a while, I feel excited about where all of this might lead.

No Regrets, Only Paths

I was outside smoking while watering my trees, thinking about many things. People often say that later in life you regret certain choices, that you wish you had done things differently. But I learned very young that regret can become a form of torture. It asks you to suffer over things that can no longer be changed.

I cannot honestly wish I had done things differently when, in many ways, I never had the opportunity to do them differently. Within my own possibilities, with all the problems and disadvantages that came with them, I did what I could.
So I cannot regret the life path I chose. I come from teenage parents who had very few opportunities. From a father who was adopted, he never abandoned me and who is still with my mother today. From a mother who survived many kinds of abuse because of extreme poverty, too many children, addiction around her, and abandonment.

They could have been the perfect recipe for disaster. And still, they were not addicts. They have flaws, like everyone does, but they gave us a future. Something that had been denied to them.
Sometimes I think about why I entered the world of justice. I want to believe I can make some kind of change. I work hard. I try to be honest. I keep learning. And still, sometimes you run into terrible things: coworkers who only collect their salary, incompetent and cruel bosses, and situations that have made me suffer more than I expected.

But I am still here.

Even if my truest self loves drawing and writing stories. Even if it is strange that almost nobody seems to share the same affection for my creations. Maybe they are so deeply mine that perhaps it is better that way.
Later I went back inside and played with my cat. The old one does not really like playing anymore; he has become calm and serious. The youngest only wants to be hugged. So Yolo was the only one willing to play with me. He gets angry while playing, but still lets me touch his belly, and then he falls asleep.

My life in this place, with all its shortages, violence, low wages and dirty politicians, is actually quite peaceful. I do not have many friends. I rarely leave the house unless it is for work or travel. And I am happy like this. I like my inner world. I like writing about characters and stories that perhaps nobody else will ever see.
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to have a fandom that truly loves what you create. But then I see creators closing doors, isolating themselves, saying they do not want their fandom too close because fans can become obsessive and make them hate what they created. That scares me. I do not really have close friendships with very large creators, so I do not know how true it is.
Yesterday I watched Iran against New Zealand, and what a match. It was genuinely entertaining. The 2–2 draw did not feel boring at all, unlike some draws can. Two teams that did not seem to promise much ended up giving everything, especially compared to Germany and their seven-goal massacre.

Vozinha was the surprise. What he managed to do was incredible and strangely emotional. Football really is a sport that moves people. On Thursday my country will face South Korea, and there is already so much expectation. We know our national team. Watching them is like watching a drunk man who, when sober, turns out to be brilliant, even if it does not happen very often.

All the chaos surrounding the political situation in my region has stopped the embassy trainings for now. Because of that, many things I wanted to learn were no longer possible. I hope this ends soon and that we can continue learning like before. I have truly enjoyed learning how to handle substances and understanding complex analytical systems.

For now, I am still working on my first Patreon post: four illustrations and a preview for next month. For June, Xilonen from Genshin Impact won the poll. Next month will be only mature, sensual men.

Rainy Season & Small Things

These past few days have been unusually lively. The opening of the football World Cup finally happened, and we went out to get food before watching the first match against South Africa. It turned into a pleasant gathering. Football has always been a tradition in my country, one of those things that quietly bring people together no matter how different they are.

The rainy season in the desert has begun. The weather has become strange: heavy rain followed by intense heat. Graduation season is also here, which means the city feels more active than usual. Everywhere there are families, celebrations, and students closing one chapter before beginning another.

Mondays are always busy at the laboratory. It is the day to review supplies, check color tests for substances, and organize the week's work. It was one of those days that pass quickly without you noticing the time.

Around noon we sat in the break area, eating snacks while looking at the landscape outside. It was a small moment, but a pleasant one. Sometimes ordinary days contain the quietest kinds of happiness.

I feel much calmer now after having a nervous crisis last week. Things have settled down. I started smoking again because it relaxes me, and I realized I had missed tobacco more than I expected.

Lately I've also been thinking about getting another tattoo—something designed by myself this time. Almost all the art on my skin comes from Suehiro Maruo's work. People occasionally ask me about it, and explaining it is always difficult. Those who know the context understand immediately.

Art, small feelings and moving forward

Lately I've been trying to focus on simpler things. Drawing, drinking coffee, listening to music while the house is quiet. Sometimes I forget that creating art doesn't always have to become a competition or a race toward visibility. There was a time when drawing was just drawing.

I've been working on several pieces recently: fanart, personal illustrations, and even some erotic art studies. I enjoy exploring different themes and atmospheres, especially those that let me experiment with lighting, emotion and storytelling. Sometimes a piece exists simply because I wanted to see it exist, and perhaps that's reason enough.
Recently I've returned to drawing things purely because they make me happy. A new fanart here, a sketch there, an unfinished idea waiting quietly in a folder. I've also been exploring more mature themes in my work. Erotic art has always fascinated me, not only because of the human body, but because intimacy itself can tell stories too.

I still struggle with feelings of rejection more than I'd like to admit. Sharing artwork online can feel strange: you place something meaningful into the world and then wait for an answer that may never come. But art existed long before algorithms, follower counts, and timelines. I try to remember that.
Some days I feel inspired. Other days I feel tired and uncertain. I think both feelings belong to the creative process. Even when motivation disappears for a while, I keep returning to drawing the same way migratory birds return home.

For now, I want to keep making things quietly: original characters, fanart of stories I love, comics, little experiments, and perhaps a few dreams that only exist inside sketchbooks. Maybe not everything needs to be seen by everyone. Sometimes creating is enough.
This website feels more like home these days. A small corner of the internet where things can simply exist without having to perform. Maybe that's what I was looking for all along.